Are You in Crisis?

Inside Alberta
Outside Alberta

Are you feeling suicidal?
Do you know someone who is feeling suicidal?

Confidentiality

“Can you keep a secret?”  “Will you promise not to tell anyone?”

Has a friend ever shared something with you and then asked you to keep this information confidential?  Maybe your friend has even made you promise to keep the secret before saying anything.

While it is important to know how to keep secrets, it is even more important to know when not to keep them. A friend who reveals thoughts of suicide or self-harm or harm to others not only needs your help but also the help of adults.  This is not a secret you should agree to safeguard.

In fact, if a friend asks you to promise not to tell anyone else what he is about to share, you may want to make it clear if the secret involves harm to him or others, you cannot agree to this.  If he then refuses to say anything but you suspect the secret is about suicide, you need to ask directly: Are you thinking about suicide?

When you promise to keep someone’s suicidal thoughts a secret, you may believe you are showing loyalty to your friend.  However, there are critical reasons why you cannot make or keep this promise:

• By keeping your friend’s thoughts of suicide secret, it prevents him or her from getting necessary help.
• When you agree to keep this secret, it leaves you alone to cope with a very difficult situation.  If you friend then attempts or dies by suicide, you may feel tremendous guilt because you knew and did not say anything.

You may worry if you break your friend’s confidence, she will be angry or she will deny what she told you.  You may know of other situations when someone broke a friend’s confidence and then was called untrustworthy or disloyal.  Perhaps, the friendship came to an end. You may be concerned if other friends find out what happened, they will never confide in you again.

These concerns are not unrealistic – these may be ways your friend will react.  But, she may also be very grateful you have intervened to get her the help she needs.

Regardless of the anticipated or real outcome, you still need to tell an adult who can help.  You have to put your friend’s safety before the friendship. It is better to have someone who is angry with you than having to cope with their death.

Even when it is in your friend’s best interests that you break their confidence, it takes a lot of self-assurance to do so.  If you find there are negative consequences you cannot deal with yourself, do not hesitate to speak with your parents or another trusted adult about how to handle the situation.